Friday, April 01, 2005


The Borowitz Report .com reports Setback for Homeland Security, Critics Say

In what some critics of illegal immigration are calling a setback for homeland security, 500 border control agents hired just this week learned today that their jobs were being outsourced to Mexico.

“In a perfect world, it would be great to have American border control agents on the U.S. side of the border,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. Having said that, we are going to save a bundle by having those same functions performed by Mexicans on the Mexican side of the border.”

Recognizing that the outsourcing decision will not endear him to critics of the administration’s immigration policies, Mr. Chertoff said, “I fully expect Lou Dobbs to rip me a new one.”

Nevertheless, Mr. Chertoff said, starting Monday the U.S. will scrap traditional border patrols and replace them with what he called a “state of the art border-control calling center” located in a suburb of Guadalajara.

The plan calls for prospective illegal aliens to telephone the calling center with the approximate time and place they intend to sneak over the border to the U.S.

Hoping to silence criticism of the controversial plan, President Bush addressed the immigration issue head on today in a speech in Grand Rapids, Michigan: “To those who would illegally enter our country seeking jobs, let me say this: stay where you are, and eventually our jobs will come to you.”

Elsewhere, prosecutors will be allowed to introduce five more witnesses in the Michael Jackson trial but they will not be allowed to call them The Jackson Five.

This is my lame attempt at humor for April Fools Day in light of the start of the Minutemen Border Patrol project!

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